Parenting is a work in progress

I love these two little guys more than anything and with all that I have, so I am often left wondering how sometimes I can lose it so quickly with one or the other (or both)?! I could type excuse after excuse: stress, pregnancy hormones, unacceptable or irritating behavior, etc., etc. The truth is there are no good excuses. While it is realistic that I experience those things, they don't need to equal a mean mom. I need to try harder to do better. The only thing I truly want right now is to be the mother that they deserve, to be a better parent. I feel like I spend a lot of time reading, searching, pondering how I can be a better parent, and I write things down, take mental notes, try new things, but somehow I always revert back to my old ways, or fall back into allowing my weaknesses to take over. I know I am not going to be a perfect parent, parenting takes continued work, it's a work in progress, but I want to be always doing better..better than I was yesterday and today.

I have felt so undeserving of my children and their little brother on the way lately. I have been short, angry, lashed out for reasons that are silly. I wish I could figure out an effective way to really stop and think things through before I react, that is the hardest part for me, taking a moment to stop and think things through instead of instantly reacting. I have read so many inspiring blog articles, a few books, countless articles I've found on Google and tried to continue to recommit myself to not yelling, to spending more quality time with them, to being more understanding of their age/stages and I do good..maybe even for an hour or a day, but then I digress and I feel like it's two steps back for every one step forward. I want to be better, and I know I can, I just need to figure out how.

So this is my confession, admittance of guilt, and acknowledgement that I need and want to be a better mom. This is me putting it out there so that I can be held accountable. My actions are teaching my children how to behave, react, treat others, and I am sending hypocritical messages, my actions are not aligning with my words. Actions always speak louder than words. I need to change my actions, and I know it is going to be a process, and I know on the long, rough days it's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I have to because I love them and they are my world! I want to also love myself, or at least not always feel like a horrible mother, and I want them to love me, too.

So here's to more recommitting and trying again..and again..and again until I am doing better, better than I was yesterday and today. Better until it's my best and I can say, "I did good today!"