Gettin' a little bit personal.

Many of you know we have been trying to conceive number 2 for a little while now (officially since Novemember). I have been on 4 rounds of clomid so far and still no luck. I am starting to get really discouraged and feeling a bit hopeless. I know there are MANY couples that try for MANY, MANY (and many more) years, and I know that this second time around trying it hasn't even been that long, and because of that I shouldn't complain, but it still doesn't take away the disappointment each month with a negative test or a sure sign that there's no little one growing inside. I can't pretend that I don't feel the things that I feel, and I guess that's why I'm writing them down, getting them out.
I know that I am EXTREMELY blessed to have Noah, and I do feel so, so, so (a million times over) grateful to have him. I think that sometimes people think/feel that when I voice my discouragement that I should just be happy that I have Noah and believe me I am more than happy that I have him. I would really like for him to have a sibbling though. My disappointment is not all just on my end, not all my selfishness. The more time that passes, the more I worry there will be too big of a gap for them to have meaningful sibbling relationships while they are growing up. Granted there is a big gap between me and my sibblings, and I have a great relationship with them, but when I was growing up they were more of a parenting figure (but I wouldn't trade my situation for anything, love my brother and sisters sooo much!).

I know that things happen at different times for different reasons, it's just hard to stay positive and motivated while you're in the middle of it. Once you make it to the other side you can usually see why and what you have learned from it, and be grateful. I hope that moment, my realizing, learning, and my feeling-grateful-for-it moment is not far off. If it is, I know that's how it is supposed to be, just kind of hard to accept right now.

I think we all get this idea in our heads after we get married of how things are going to go, while it shouldn't be surprising when things don't go our way it is a little bit disheartening. I guess life is all about learning to work through those unexpected things, I know they make us stronger. Right now I am trying to rely on the strength I thought I gained through the first go at conceiving, I guess I still have something to learn, something needs to be added to that strength.